Looking back on my life, years ago when I was in high school, I assumed that life would play out like a school planner, basically go to college, get a good job, get married then have kids, the white picket fence, basically the stereotype. It wasn't until I was in my 20's, finally being online, talking to people at work, and books and movies that I saw and read, that there was multiple ways to live your life, that life isn't always straightforward. I honestly didn't know, till I read stories, and saw videos of people's stories, of people who went to college, people who didn't go to college, people who dropped out. Then people who got married and had kids, or people who choose to not get married and have kids, or ones who wanted to get married but not have kids.
Then I honestly thought, in my 20's to mid 20's that the world was my oyster, and that I could do anything that I wanted to do. When you grow up, and you only know one way to live, that's literally all you know, to finally seeing life in so many different directions that it seems almost too perfect to be true.
When I was nearing the end of my 20's, I still didn't understand why most women, not all, but most, rush to get married and have kids so young, since at the time, I didn't understand why. Then I was starting to face a harsh reality nearing my 30's, I'd say between 27-30, I was feeling the pressure from myself, and society, the media, life, to hurry up and settle down and have kids, looking back, I didn't really have an actual reason, besides that I felt it was what I was supposed to do. When it came to getting married, of course I wanted to, but when it came to having kids, like yes I had the baby fever hit me in my early 20's, but after a lot of self talking with myself, I decided to not have kids, I was ready, emotionally, financially, and I figured why bring a child in the world, if I wasn't equipped to be a proper mom.
Fast forward, when I was 29, I had a hysterectomy, then I turned 30, now I'm 31, and I'll say this, even though I know I'm still young, I honestly don't feel like it anymore, I basically feel like my life is over. I know it's not, but yes, sometimes, that's how it feels, I can't have kids naturally, I don't want kids, but now, it feels like, as a woman, by 25-30, if your not married, and more so, if you don't have kids of your own, society looks at you as if something is wrong with you, or from what I've personally experienced, people will pity you, when you tell them that you can't have kids, basically like your broken. No one say's it, but hearing it, seeing it in movies, books, or from friends and family, about the whole thing of settling down, and more so, having babies, it can seriously mess with you mentally.
Basically, being told, by the world, indirectly by your friends and family, or maybe it's strangers, or yourself, even, that as a woman, if your not married, and having kids, then basically what good are you? I don't know about you, but for me, it's one of the most dehumanizing feelings I've experienced in my life. To basically be reminded, told of your biology, over and over again, but then if you bring it up, cry or complain, people will look at you as if your crazy, and say, " Of course there's more to you, you more than being a wife and a mother", basically to shut you up. Then slowly it starts to eat at you, over and over again, then it goes from that, to your physical appearance and your looks, with social media now, it's even easier to see and compare yourself to other girls and women online, or even in person, if you see someone who is attractive walking by. It basically never ends, it just slowly gets worse and worse over time, and it's something no one talks about. Then, you try to use more and more makeup, working out, or maybe even plastic surgery, anything to combat aging, and getting older, or constantly changing up your wardrobe, or changing your hair style, or coloring it differently, using more and more lotion, and skin moisturizer for your face and the rest of your body. It basically never stops.
At least from what I've experienced, it's very disheartening hearing comments, or just knowing that society values you as a women only if you do this and that, and then indirectly being told that your hobbies, what job you have, or if you went to college doesn't matter. I mean, even with jobs, it seems like as a woman, you get shoehorned into a caregiving role, weather it's being a teacher, a nurse, a cna, a babysitter, yes women do have jobs that aren't in the caregiving role. I mean, if I'm wrong, then by all means, someone correct me.
And now with row vs wade overturned, it basically makes things even worse. The worst part, is if you bring any of this up as a woman, you'll get told that your overacting, that it's nonsense, that your more than just your womb, your a person with thoughts and feelings, dreams and goals of your own, but the older I get, the more it sure doesn't seem that way. Then when your in your 50's and 60's, then it's about being a grandmother, having grandkids, looking after them, basically back into the caregiving role again, it never ends. If it's not having kids of your own, or grandchildren of your own, then it's taking care of your siblings, or your elderly parents, or nieces and nephews from the other side of the family.
I am fully aware, that for some women, being in the caregiving role is fulfilling to them, that it gives their life meaning and purpose, but for the one's out there like me, who don't want to be defined by the caregiving role, or can't have kids, it all comes across as very disheartening and inhuman for the women who don't want to, or just don't fit into the caregiving role. I'm not trying to bash or insult women who are completely fine living like this, I'm just trying to explain it from the other side, the point of view of women who don't want to have kids or can't or both, the ones who don't want their whole life, their whole identity defined by being a mom, and every other aspect of the caregiving role as a whole.
I just wanted to shed a tiny bit of light, of what it's like from the other side, of what it feels like, being a woman who can't have kids, or doesn't want them, in a world that constantly reminds you and tells you directly or indirectly that motherhood is what your supposed to do, that it's supposed to be what you want to do with your life, that it's the only way to live as a woman. I hope someone out there can relate to this.
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