How, and why my feelings of the word family changed...

Photo by Kat Smith: https://www.pexels.com/photo/black-and-white-photo-of-holding-hands-735978/

It's strange how as time goes on, and the older you get, how you perceive things changes as you get older. Take for example, friends and family. How I  perceived them when I was in high school, changed drastically, to how I now look at them. 

With family, when I was little growing up, the way it was shown in movies, and TV shows, was very different to what it actually was, at least that's how I now see it. In movies, and TV shows, it was shown as a happy family, or friends that got along with each other, and if your wondering, yes I saw sad movies, of families that were not happy, and friends that back stabbed each other. What I didn't know, or understand at the time, was that in real life, things are not always that simple, that sometimes, it's a mixture of both.

Looking back on it all now, I honestly don't remember it all perfectly, I mean, if I try hard enough, yes the memories will come back to me, but it's honestly not that pleasant of a thing for me to experience. But from I do remember, the friendships I had in high school, at the time, I thought that I would stay friends with them forever, it never occurred to me, that after high school, that eventually most of the friends you had in high school, you would stop talking to them over time. No one really explained that to me, I honestly thought that you would stay friends with them, and the friends you would make in college, you'd keep those too, and just go to each other's weddings and stuff. So, if someone were to tell me, that eventually almost all the friends I had in high school, that over a decade later, you wouldn't be friends with them, and most of them, you would stop speaking to. I don't know, looking back on it all now, it just feels strange in a way, maybe not sad, but just something that I wasn't expecting to happen.

I know, that me talking about all this, probably sounds silly, or childish, but I figure, I can't be the only one who feels this way. Or how I assumed, that after high school, I would go to college, then get married afterwards, have kids, and basically have the happily ever after, ya that didn't happen how I picture it. If someone would have told me, that after high school, I wouldn't be in college, but instead, be working as a CNA, and taking care of my mom, I honestly wouldn't have believed them. My point, is that as much as you think things will go according to plan, sometimes in life, they don't, the plans you have might not happen, or the plans you have in your life might change. Sometimes that's a good thing, and other times, it's a bad thing, but overall, sometimes, things don't go according to plan. No one prepared me for that, or explained that to me either. There's a lot of aspects to adulthood that I never considered, nor was I fully prepared for. 

That eventually things in life change, people change, and that not everything stays the same, that no matter how much you try, some things in life, you can't be fully prepared for, no matter how hard you try. There are so many things I wish someone could have prepared me for, this would have been one of them, or the fact that I would have spent basically my 20's  taking care of my mom, and working full time as a CNA, or the amount of times I experienced burnout, exhaustion from hardly ever getting a break. No one could have prepared me for that, I understand that, I just wish someone could have. 

Another thing, which is never talked about, no one talks about what happens after your parents die. In my case anyways, it was like a huge slap to the face, I guess a reality check if you will, one that I never saw coming. People in the family, who I haven't heard from, basically my entire life, started to contact me, after my mom died, at first, I tried giving them all the benefit of the doubt, but now looking back, it's painfully obvious, that almost everyone who contacted me, after my mom died, was basically after the house, or things my mom had, or the money from the house. Basically, almost everyone around treated me completely different after the news spread, that my mom passed away. To be completely honest, at one point, I didn't know who to trust, or talk to, when it seemed that everyone was just after the house, or the money, or whatever my mom had left behind, after she died. I guess you could say, that after my mom died, my worldview was shifted in ways that I wasn't prepared for.

Now looking back on it all, it doesn't affect me that bad anymore, but it was a major life event that I so wish someone could have prepared me for, or explained to me in some way at least. Or the fact that you'll lose friends, or you'll cut people off from your life, after a major event like that, and perhaps even move away, like I did. Ya, no one talks about any of this, that after someone dies, not everyone, but for some people, like me, it's nearly impossible to stay in the town you grew up in, or stay in contact with people you've known for years. For me, the tipping point was the fact that, people in my family, who I haven't heard from, from years, all of the sudden, all started to contact me, after my mom passed away. Have that happen to you, and you tell me, if it doesn't cause lasting effects of trust issues?  Because for me it did.

For me, if you actually care about someone at all, you'll keep in touch with them throughout their life, not just keep in contact for years, perhaps decades, and then out of nowhere you decide to talk to them again, coincidentally after their parent dies, kinda funny timing don't you think ? 

So now for me, the word "Family" feels completely different now whenever I hear it. I honestly didn't know that any of that would happen after my mom passed away. It is true, if you want to know the true intentions of someone, put money into the mix, you'll get your answer right away. Money really does change relationships, for better or for worse, depending if your gaining more money, or you lost a large amount of money. 

My thoughts on Horror movies, and the horror genre in general

Photo by Joanne Adela: https://www.pexels.com/photo/monochrome-photo-of-woman-3225796/

Started to watch creepy, scary movies again for the last few days, some of them I watched years ago, and now I'm rewatching them, others I'm watching for the first time. I'm also watching scary videogame's again, which is nice. I haven't watched creepy, scary things in what feels like forever. 

You see, I grew up watching scary, creepy movies with my mom growing up, so it feels nice to finally get back into watching them again. Some of the movies I'm rewatching I still like, and other's now that I'm older, I guess I outgrew them, because they don't seem so interesting to me anymore. 

One of my favorite aspects of horror, or I guess, one of my favorite types of horror, is phycological horror, the type that gets into your head, and makes you think, not just pointless jump scares. I mean, I enjoy jump scares, because it's one of the points of scary movies, that make it fun to watch, but having jump scares, with no plot, or nothing that makes you think, that's when the movies begins to feel pointless to me. 

I feel the same way with scary, horror videogames, I prefer one's that have a interesting plot, good character growth, or a phycological aspect to it, one's that make you think. Maybe it's just me, but that's how I am when it comes to horror genre's in general. I know that for some people, they just want to have a good jump scare, and scream, and basically not think, and if that's what works for them, then more power to them, but I guess that's not my cup of tea.

The only person I watched scary movies with was my mom, I never really watched scary, horror movies with any of the friends I had growing up, because most of the people I knew, weren't really into that sort of thing. So besides my mom, I just kinda kept it to myself.

Tho over the last few years, the last few movies I tried watching by myself in theaters, weren't that good, and some of the newer one's that came out at the time, like one called, Oculus, it came out in, 2013, in my opinion it wasn't really that good, maybe I'll like it, if I rewatch it now, but back when I first watched it, it wasn't something that I'd rewatch again. Now, the movie, Sinister, which came out in, 2012, was an excellent movie, I haven't seen it in years, but to this day, it's one of my favorite movies, it was one of the scariest movies I've seen, and the story plot was very interesting, and of course, it had phycological horror to it, so it kept you on your toes. 

I don't, since I started watching horror movies and scary video gameplays again, I figured I'd write about my thoughts about them. 😊

The Benifitsof being Home schooled, for someone who has Learning Disabilities

Looking back on my life, now knowing that I probably had a multitude of things wrong with me when it came to learning and how I process information. This is just my opinion, but as much as I love all the friends I made growing up, throughout the years in middle school, and high school, a part of me thinks, now looking back on my life, that it might have been better, if I was home schooled, or at least partly. 

Yes I know, that if I would have gotten professionally diagnosed back then, I would have gotten more accommodations for myself in class, but knowing what I know now, and how I learn, I honestly think that being home schooled, having one and one lessons, would have helped me immensely when it came to my learning process, learning speed, and me actually grasping the lessons for each class, not just blindly going through the lessons, doing the homework, and tests, without actually understanding the material that I was being taught. 

My main struggles were math, and writing, reading I eventually got better at, because I read a number of books later on in high school. But when it came to math, it felt like a foreign language, and with writing, it honestly felt like a nightmare, every time I would write something, I would misspell so many words, spelling them how they sounded in my head, having to constantly look up words, and redo what I wrote over and over again. If it wasn't for spell checker on computers, I would have been completely , and that's just the honest to god truth, as for reading, I've gotten a lot better at reading over the years, I just need to practice reading out loud.

As for being in school, and the way that the classes were structured, and organized, having classes that had 30 kids in them on average, it didn't give the teachers anytime to help kids that needed more one on one lessons, and to have more detailed attention to the material that they were struggling learning, even in the special ed classes, they had this problem too, when the teacher had 5 to 10 kids in the class. By the time the class was over for the day, the teacher didn't have time to ask if the kids needed anything else, or detailed explanations of the homework, or the material being taught in class. I mean, I remember a few times where I was given extra help during study hall, or in the middle of class if nothing was going on, but it wasn't all the time, so at the end of the day, you were still expected to do the homework, and learn the material on your own at home. 

For people like me, who grew up with learning problems, it honestly felt like a constant uphill battle with our own minds, going to school everyday, feeling like something is wrong with you, but you have no idea what it is, feeling like your different from other kids but you don't know why, and then after a while, getting the feeling, that even though the teachers say it's ok to always ask for help, you can tell that their getting tired of you asking questions all the time, at least that's what it feels like to us. Eventually, slowly throughout the years, from middle school and then going into high school, honestly you just stop raising your hand, over time you slowly stop asking questions, asking for help. Silently, going to school, and then to home, and doing the homework, passing the tests, but not actually retaining, or understanding a lot of the material that was being taught in the classes. 

And if your wondering, why I didn't ask for help at home, I tried, but after a few attempts, I could tell my mom didn't have the patience to help me with my homework. I was given a few books for learning concepts of money, but was basically expected to learn it on my own. It gets tiring, and honestly a constant blow to your self esteem, and self worth as a person. That eventually you just stop trying, caring, you just do enough to get by, and then by your third year in high school, you just want your senior year to go by as fast as possible, graduate and just move on with your life. 

Ya, then when your out of school, years go by, you attempt to attend community college, and you barely pass your class, and then you drop out altogether, it might not seem like a big deal, but trust me, for people like me, who struggled silently their entire lives with learning in school, it matters a lot, the sad part is, most people don't care, or don't want to listen, when it's not their problem, they aren't the ones living with this, every single day of their lives. People who have problems when it comes to processing information, it affects them in a multitude of ways, from them struggling in school, to trying to go to college, to settling for jobs they don't want, or don't like, because it doesn't require them to use areas of there brain, that they have trouble with, when it comes to processing information. Take me for example, I settled for, doing CNA, and then I tried being a housekeeper, what do they both have in common? They are physical jobs, that don't require you to write, read or use math intricately for the job. Doesn't sound nice, does it? Yes I eventually enjoyed doing CNA, but that took me YEARS, to actually enjoy my job, and by then, my body was completely broken down, my feet, legs, and back in utter agony and sometimes constant pain. 

The areas or subjects that I was interested, or wanted to pursue in college, I honestly gave up, or couldn't, because the required classes to take, were to complex for me, or the workload was too much for me to do at once. I figured, why try, when I had moments throughout middle school, or high school, when I was barely getting by, why would I want to go through that again? Until I did some digging online, like on YouTube, and now currently on TikTok, I thought it was just me. Like yes, I knew other's were going through it, kids I knew that were in special ed classes with me, but outside of school, me, and kids I knew, or friends I made, none of us actually talked about what we were going through, we all just silently delt with it. 

My point with all of this, is in my opinion, for myself who had problems with learning, being home schooled might have been a better option for me, instead of being in public school, that way I would have gotten the attention I needed when it came to subjects that I was struggling with, and given more time to work on the homework, and study for test that I was given, that way I would have actually understood the material, not just passing the classes blindly. 

The Power and Importance of Music

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Growing up, you don't realize it while it's happening, when you start listening to music, of how intrinsic it becomes a part of your life, and even the artists that created the music. How certain songs, can parallel your life, or what's happening to you in that moment, or just how your feeling about life, and everything around you. It might sound cliché, but at least for me, growing up, listening to music, helped me in so many ways, it brought me happiness, laughter, helped me when I was sad, mad, or just made me feel like I wasn't alone. A lot of times for me, listening to music, so many of the songs I would listen to, captured how I was feeling and thinking, and put into words almost perfectly of how I was feeling, or what was going in my life. 

In a lot of ways, music, the songs that I would listen to, it felt like an invisible friend that was always there for me, when I was alone with my thoughts. I don't know how, a lot of my friends felt about music, because to this day, I never really asked them. They probably felt similar, if not about music, then something else that they cherished. Even now, when I think of certain songs, they helped me in important moments in my life, weather it was a happy moment, a sad heartbreaking moment, or feeling like I was being valued, those certain songs helped me not feel so alone during those times in my life. Or, some songs, just took me away from reality for a short while, making me run around, dance in my room like a little kid. Cliché I know, but that's what I did at least. 

Then there were other times in my life, where listening to songs, would help me process what I was feeling or going through, so much faster than me talking to people sometimes. I remember so many countless nights in my room, alone, listening to certain songs over and over again on repeat, because some of those certain songs, resonated with me so much, that I simply couldn't stop listening to them. 

There were a lot of times throughout the years growing up, that the only things I kept going back to for comfort of some kind, was music, and journaling, those two things, helped me escape, or not feel alone, or helped get my thoughts out, or helped me feel like I was understood by someone or something out there. Yes I went to cartoons, anime shows, and Disney shows, but music and journaling was a huge part of my life, growing up, when it came to understanding my feelings, and thoughts, or just trying to get through the day.  

Then there's other times growing up, while listening to music, that it can help your confidence, self esteem, helping you feel that you matter, that you are important, that your life does matter, that your existence is important. It can help you celebrate happy moments in your life, like a birthday, graduating, having fun with friends, or rocking it and having fun alone. In some ways, it's almost like having an invisible friend like I said earlier, that is happy, celebrating your accomplishments in life, when no one else is around. Almost like, your getting a comforting hug from listening to certain songs. 

I didn't know till it happened to me, but music can also help you with grieving and heartbreak when someone dear to you passes away. After my mom passed away, I used music constantly to get through the days ahead, and over two years later, certain songs, reminded me of her or dad, helping me feel close to them again, while at the same time, slowly moving on, the pain of grieving, slowly fading over time. 

I remember other times in my life, that music helped me greatly with processing, and getting through anger, and other strong emotions associated with pain and heartbreak, usually when I was very mad and feeling hurt, I would listen to rock, hard rock, or close to metal, those genre's of music, helped me greatly when I was mad, sad, grieving, or a mixture of multitude of emotions. Plus, it's a healthy way to process emotions, from listening to music. 

With so many aspects that music can help, benefit you, or even heal you in some way, there really is no wrong way that music could benefit you, at least that's I see it at least. Because, I know for me, that music, was, and still is a huge, major part of my life, and me as a person overall. Music helped me in so many ways growing up, and still does even now, I just wanted to share my insights on music, and why it is such an important part of my life. 

The Unspoken Truth of Narcotic Pills.

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Shortly after I graduated high school, and going into my 20's, I had very little knowledge of narcotics drugs, and the implications that they could have on someone, and the people around them. I say this, because, my mom was on narcotics, primarily Ativan and Vicodin, it all began slowly at first, the first few months into the first few years, but gradually over time, things escalated more and more. 

In the beginning, she had more and more problems with walking, her legs getting weaker and weaker, then after a while, she started to have problems with her back, back pain that kept on getting worse and worse over time. She basically took Ativan for anxiety, and Vicodin for chronic pain. The doctor visits became more and more frequent over time, eventually she kept requesting refills more and more often, not only more pills, but a stronger dose eventually as well. It's nearly impossible to notice how it can change someone overtime, when your the one living with them. 

By the time I noticed how drastically everything had changed, it was basically too late to say the least, I honestly don't know if it was just influence of the pills she was on, old age, or both, of something else that I didn't consider at the time, like narcissism. But I can say this much, whatever it was, it changed her, from how she used to be. 

The changes were slow at first, little quip remarks here and then after a while it just kept on getting worse over time, eventually her temper got worse and worse, yelling and screaming at me for little minute things. I honestly don't remember it all, because so much happened in the past decade of me living with my mom, and slowly over time, taking care of her, all I know is that it was a lot. It all happened slowly, but just got worse over time like I said, eventually, I ended up driving her around everywhere, to restaurants, doctor appointments, to the store, and even the pharmacy to get her prescriptions. 

Over time, she gradually started to just stay in the house almost all day, besides going to the doctors appointment, or having her hair done, having me go driving around by myself, getting her prescriptions, getting fast food to take home, on top of all that, I was also working full time as a CNA, leaving me barely any time for myself. It was basically like having two full time jobs. 

Slowly, towards the last few years of her being alive, I had to keep quitting jobs, over and over again, because my mom was getting sicker, and needed me at home, but at the same time, I needed to work, because we needed money for the bills, so it became an endless cycle of me, quitting jobs, getting a new job, trying to be at home, because mom needed me, and then the hospital visits, which became more and more frequent with mom towards the end.  Mind you, I had no siblings, no one else in the family living nearby, yes we had family friends that would come by and help, and all that, but towards the end, more and more of it was on my shoulders. Most of the friends I had in high school, I lost touch with over the years, only kept in touch with one or two friends from high school.  

While it was all happening, I didn't realize till after it was too late, of how bad things gotten over the year. While it was happening in the moment, I seriously thought it was all my fault, I say this, because it felt like, no matter what I did, it was never enough, over time, we fought more and more throughout the months and years, yelling and screaming at each other. It got to the point where time felt like it was blending together, from me going to work, and then coming home to take care of mom. I can't count how many times I went through mental and emotional burnout throughout the years, with taking care of mom and working as a CNA, also physical burnout too from lifting people at my job as well. 

Back to the prescriptions, those pills changed my mom, from how she was into a person I no longer recognized, well also probably other factors that I didn't consider at the time, but I think the pills was a huge part of it. 

My point with all of this? After what I went through, and probably a lot more that I can't remember right now, there should be better support for family member who I taking care of there loved one, and hotlines for signs of being addicted to prescription pills, and ways to implement an intervention with the person who is addicted to prescription pills, and possibility the option of the family caregiver be separated from the person who is addicted to prescription pills. That way they can focus on getting the person who is addicted to narcotics treatment for getting off the pills, and other help that they might need. And to also get the family caregiver help, therapy, or anything that they need, to heal and recover also. I hope by sharing this, it will help someone in some way, who might be going through something similar to what I went through. 

The Harsh Realities of being pressured into motherhood 👶

 

Photo by Kristina Paukshtite: https://www.pexels.com/photo/woman-carrying-a-baby-3242264/

Looking back on my life, years ago when I was in high school, I assumed that life would play out like a school planner, basically go to college, get a good job, get married then have kids, the white picket fence, basically the stereotype. It wasn't until I was in my 20's, finally being online, talking to people at work, and books and movies that I saw and read, that there was multiple ways to live your life, that life isn't always straightforward. I honestly didn't know, till I read stories, and saw videos of people's stories, of people who went to college, people who didn't go to college, people who dropped out. Then people who got married and had kids, or people who choose to not get married and have kids, or ones who wanted to get married but not have kids. 

Then I honestly thought, in my 20's to mid 20's that the world was my oyster, and that I could do anything that I wanted to do. When you grow up, and you only know one way to live, that's literally all you know, to finally seeing life in so many different  directions that it seems almost too perfect to be true. 

When I was nearing the end of my 20's, I still didn't understand why most women, not all, but most, rush to get married and have kids so young, since at the time, I didn't understand why. Then I was starting to face a harsh reality nearing my 30's, I'd say between 27-30, I was feeling the pressure from myself, and society, the media, life, to hurry up and settle down and have kids, looking back, I didn't really have an actual reason, besides that I felt it was what I was supposed to do. When it came to getting married, of course I wanted to, but when it came to having kids, like yes I had the baby fever hit me in my early 20's, but after a lot of self talking with myself, I decided to not have kids, I was ready, emotionally, financially, and I figured why bring a child in the world, if I wasn't equipped to be a proper mom. 

Fast forward, when I was 29, I had a hysterectomy, then I turned 30, now I'm 31, and I'll say this, even though I know I'm still young, I honestly don't feel like it anymore, I basically feel like my life is over. I know it's not, but yes, sometimes, that's how it feels, I can't have kids naturally, I don't want kids, but now, it feels like, as a woman, by 25-30, if your not married, and more so, if you don't have kids of your own, society looks at you as if something is wrong with you, or from what I've personally experienced, people will pity you, when you tell them that you can't have kids, basically like your broken. No one say's it, but hearing it, seeing it in movies, books, or from friends and family, about the whole thing of settling down, and more so, having babies, it can seriously mess with you mentally. 

Basically, being told, by the world, indirectly by your friends and family, or maybe it's strangers, or yourself, even, that as a woman, if your not married, and having kids, then basically what good are you? I don't know about you, but for me, it's one of the most dehumanizing feelings I've experienced in my life. To basically be reminded, told of your biology, over and over again, but then if you bring it up, cry or complain, people will look at you as if your crazy, and say, " Of course there's more to you, you more than being a wife and a mother", basically to shut you up. Then slowly it starts to eat at you, over and over again, then it goes from that, to your physical appearance and your looks, with social media now, it's even easier to see and compare yourself to other girls and women online, or even in person, if you see someone who is attractive walking by. It basically never ends, it just slowly gets worse and worse over time, and it's something no one talks about. Then, you try to use more and more makeup, working out, or maybe even plastic surgery, anything to combat aging, and getting older, or constantly changing up your wardrobe, or changing your hair style, or coloring it differently, using more and more lotion, and skin moisturizer for your face and the rest of your body. It basically never stops. 

At least from what I've experienced, it's very disheartening hearing comments, or just knowing that society values you as a women only if you do this and that, and then indirectly being told that your hobbies, what job you have, or if you went to college doesn't matter. I mean, even with jobs, it seems like as a woman, you get shoehorned into a caregiving role, weather it's being a teacher, a nurse, a cna, a babysitter, yes women do have jobs that aren't in the caregiving role. I mean, if I'm wrong, then by all means, someone correct me. 

And now with row vs wade overturned, it basically makes things even worse. The worst part, is if you bring any of this up as a woman, you'll get told that your overacting, that it's nonsense, that your more than just your womb, your a person with thoughts and feelings, dreams and goals of your own, but the older I get, the more it sure doesn't seem that way. Then when your in your 50's and 60's, then it's about being a grandmother, having grandkids, looking after them, basically back into the caregiving role again, it never ends. If it's not having kids of your own, or grandchildren of your own, then it's taking care of your siblings, or your elderly parents, or nieces and nephews from the other side of the family. 

I am fully aware, that for some women, being in the caregiving role is fulfilling to them, that it gives their life meaning and purpose, but for the one's out there like me, who don't want to be defined by the caregiving role, or can't have kids, it all comes across as very disheartening and inhuman for the women who don't want to, or just don't fit into the caregiving role. I'm not trying to bash or insult women who are completely fine living like this, I'm just trying to explain it from the other side, the point of view of women who don't want to have kids or can't or both, the ones who don't want their whole life, their whole identity defined by being a mom, and every other aspect of the caregiving role as a whole. 

I just wanted to shed a tiny bit of light, of what it's like from the other side, of what it feels like, being a woman who can't have kids, or doesn't want them, in a world that constantly reminds you and tells you directly or indirectly that motherhood is what your supposed to do, that it's supposed to be what you want to do with your life, that it's the only way to live as a woman. I hope someone out there can relate to this. 

Journaling, Free Therapy, my Safe Place

 

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I remember moments years ago back in high school, on and off when I would journal, and then after a while I stopped. Then years later, in my 20's, I started journaling again, during a period of my life, when my depression and anxiety was horrible to say the least. Journaling was one of the few things that truly helped me, so besides music, most of the other things, didn't help me. For me, journaling was like free therapy, but for me it was somehow better, because for me, it was a safe place to vent, and release everything that was in my head, all the good and bad, or just random thoughts. When I would journal, I would basically word vomit, getting everything out, then I would destroy the journal, or throw it away, I would never reread what I wrote, for me it was enough just getting everything out of my head. And I threw my journals out, that way no one could find them and read them. 

Yes I know, that a lot of people keep there journals, or you hear people say to keep them, and read them over, but for me, personally it wasn't helpful at all, reading my thoughts on paper, it just made me feel worse honestly. And for me, those were some of my most intimate thoughts, so why would I want other people to find my journals and read them? Maybe for other people, they don't have to worry about other people find there journals, and if so, I'm happy for them. Maybe for other people, it actually helps them, to keep there journals and reread what they wrote, and if it helps them, then fine, whatever works for them, great. But I guess for me, I process things differently. 

Now currently, I don't journal anymore, sometimes I think of journaling again, but I don't need it like how I needed it before. For some people, meditating helps them, for others praying helps, and for others like me, journaling is what helps. For anyone out there, who journals, keep journaling, if it helps you, then ignore what others say, and do what works for you.