Breaking the Silence on Special Education My Journey to Self-Discovery

Photo by cottonbro studio: https://www.pexels.com/photo/person-in-white-shirt-with-brown-wooden-frame-4769486/

It's been years since I've been in school, from middle school all the way up to high school, and maybe it doesn't mean that much, but to me it does, you see I used to be in special ed, also known as special education. At the time, I honestly didn't know why I was put in special ed, and when I asked, all I was told was that I was just slow, and needed extra help.

It may not sound like a big deal, but months, years went by, and I didn't know till I was in my late 20's to basically about to turn 30, of what was actually wrong with me, from research I did on my own. After countless hours, I realized that I had dysgraphia which affects writing, dyscalculia which greatly affected my mathematical comprehension, and a slight case of dyslexia, which mainly affected my reading if I read out loud. On top of that, a form of autism. 

I never went to the doctor for any of it, I mean looking back, how could I, when I had no idea what was wrong with me, and none of the teachers suggested to my mom, that I should see a specialist regarding special education needs. The most that happened, was me getting pulled out of class, to work on my reading speed, or writing, but that was pretty much it. So basically for years, I was left feeling dumb, stupid, slow, of basically having a brain that is broken. 

A lot of times, I would just spend most of my time alone in my room, I remember I'd spend days writing poems, and quotes in my journal, and drawing anime fan art, writing and drawing brought me joy, along with listening to music, with music, it felt like a comforting friend that was always there for me, putting into words how I felt, when I couldn't couldn't.

You might be thinking why I'm talking about all this, and to be honest, I don't know either. Maybe I'm just ranting, or maybe I'm hoping that someone out there knows how I felt growing up, maybe my story will reach someone, a parent, a teacher, so maybe the next time, a child or a student shows signs that there struggling in school, or asking for help, maybe just maybe, someone will take the time and really listen to them instead of just brushing them off. Because sweeping a problem under the rug, doesn't make it go away, or fix the problem, all it does is prolong the inevitable, a child living there whole life, not knowing why they are the way they are, or what's wrong with them, or feeling like there broken, and never getting any help, assistance, or tools/ applications that could help make there life easier, or even just a little more bearable. It's important to listen and take action when a child or student is struggling, to not brush off their concerns or struggles as simply being "slow" or "lazy."  I hope my story helps, thank you for reading. 

                

 

Life is not always as it seems

 

 Photo by Mo Eid: https://www.pexels.com/photo/crumpled-blanket-in-dark-room-at-sunset-3337209/

Been reflecting a lot on my life as a whole on and off for the past year or so, thinking of my life, friends that I made, life events, experiences I had, people who I wasn't close with, people who were just acquaintances, to my experiences with getting jobs and getting work experience, to trying to go to college, to so much more. 

Life is crazy, complicated, and it's sure not simple and straight forward all the time, I remember when I was little growing up, thinking that life was like a straight arrow, that all you had to do, was plan out your life, from college, career, to what partner you'll have, and the rest falls in place, and then like magic, you don't have to worry about anything. When in reality, it couldn't be farther from the truth. In the real world, life is messy, uncertain, and unpredictable. No matter how much you think you know how life will be, you can never be certain. 

Take for example, the job I did, in the moment, when I was working as a CNA, I honestly thought that I was going to go to nursing school, I thought I was going to become a nurse, and continue to work in healthcare for the rest of my life, and then life happened. My body finally broke down from the years I spent working as a CNA, lifting people over and over again, and finally I realized that I had to quite working as a CNA, for good. I simply couldn't keep working, with the amount of physical pain that I was in. Did I think I was going to quit? No. My point is that life is unexpected, and unpredictable, and it's not always so straightforward.

It basically applies to anything, and everything, from jobs, friends, to even where your living, anything can change, even what school you go to. Speaking of which, I remember, when I was in high school, I seriously thought that I was going to go to college after I graduated high school. I mean, I took a fast program to get certified to be a CNA, but it was years before I even attempted to go to community college, when I enrolled myself to the community college, I got the book, walked around getting familiar with the layout. I was planning on going to get certified in Phlebotomy, EKG, and Dialysis, I had to take anatomy and physiology and guess what, I barely passed. I stopped going after I finished anatomy and physiology, first reason was because, my mom needed me at home, and the second reason was because the course was simply too overwhelming. I basically had panic attacks while I was just taking that one course. 

Like I said, life is unexpected, and unpredictable, and it's not always as straightforward as it seems. <3 

Harsh truth about being a CNA, Certified Nursing Assistant

Photo by Timothy Huliselan: https://www.pexels.com/photo/empty-bed-in-hospital-12081340/

Things that I loved and regret about being a CNA.......

Being a CNA, or also known as a Certified Nursing Assistant. It can truly be a rewarding job, but there are so many aspects to the job that are just not talked about, or just things that are unsaid. 

When you first start, I'm sorry but you'll probably be walking around bright eyed, and bushy tailed, with so much hope in your eyes, thinking that you'll help people, fix people, save people, however you spin it, basically that you'll make a difference. I know, because that's how I felt when I first started, I honestly thought that I was going to change lives, and make a difference. 

To be fair, yes I did, I made so many of the patient's that I took care of feel better even if it was for a moment. So when it came to that, yes, emotionally I made them feel better, but of course, weeks went by, months, and then finally years, and one that was constant, that drained me more than anything, was watching, seeing so many of the patients that I took care of, pass away, over and over again. Yes, I know, that it's part of the job, but it's very, and I mean, VERY emotionally draining. One thing that I think that so many probably forget about is this, the nurses, and cna's that take care of the patients in nursing home's and hospitals, they are still human beings at the end of the end of the day. 

So, think about it, seeing people that you care for, everyday, weeks, months, to years, getting sicker, and then eventually dying, seeing that over and over again, is bound to take it's toll, on pretty much anyone. 

There is also the physical toll on the CNA's, because they are doing most of the physical labor, lifting, turning the patients, washing them, giving them bed baths, transferring them, to take them into the shower room, to give them showers, feeding them, changing them, transferring them in and out of the bed. Now multiply all that by 15-30 patients. Oh wait, it gets even better, then imagine lifting people that weigh anywhere from 100 pounds, to 800 pounds. Then imagine doing that again, over and over again, for days, weeks, months, years and you tell me, that your body won't get broken down? Because I'm going to tell you right now, mine sure did, my feet were in excruciating pain, my knees felt stiff, and most of all, my lower back, was in constant pain, that I finally had to start using pain patches, pain pills like Advil, and Aleve, to help manage the pain, and even then, it sometimes wasn't enough. There were days, were I just delt with the pain, because I couldn't keep taking pain pills. 

Then there's the emotionally and mental toll from the job overtime, stress from work. They always say, to never take your work problems home with you, or your problems from home to work, but come on, we are only human. Imagine all the physical stress, now add on top of it, the mental and emotional stress from dealing with the patients, and the staff that you work with everyday. Now add on top of it, stress from home, arguments, or other things, dealing with bills, studying for tests too. Imagine all of that, not just for a few days, but months to years, nonstop, every single day. Eventually, it will start to feel like you don't get a break, time for yourself at all, because in a way, you don't. At least that's how I felt, and I know that there were other CNA's that I worked with, who felt the same way I did. So unless you took a moment, a MOMENT mind you, were you get to sit in your car, smoke, eat a snack, or just breath to clear your head, at the end of the day, unless your going to sleep, you will basically feel like your on autopilot 24/7.

This is the side of working in healthcare as a CNA, that I don't think enough people even talk about, so unless you go into support groups on Facebook, I'm telling you right now, you won't hear hardly anyone talking about any of this. EVER. It's basically unspoken things, that you won't hear about, unless you go looking on YouTube or Facebook. Me personally, I had to deal with all that, while taking care of my elderly mom, I had no siblings, and I lived alone with her, so I didn't get a break, unless I rested in my car for a breather. By the time she passed away, I was physically, mentally, and emotionally at my wits end with it all, working as a cna, and I'm sorry caring for her, and just life in general. And to be frank, I was tired of taking care of people, I was over it all, I worked as a CNA, for 6 years, while caring for my mom at the same time, and by the end, I was over it all. Was I being selfish? Yes. But I am only human, and I could take so much, and I was sick and tired of caring for people period. Any wanting I had to be a mother, died. 

Working as a CNA, is one of the most "rewarding" jobs you can ever do, but it's also one of the most thankless jobs you could ever do. I say that, because it's true, you will rarely if ever, get a thank you from the staff, more so the patients, but even then it's rare. By the time, the staff and patients treat you like a human being, your pretty much dead inside. I honestly, wouldn't tell anyone, not even my worst enemy to work as a CNA. It's just not worth it, none of it, at all. Unless your planning on becoming a nurse, or something else in healthcare, no, just no, don't even consider working as a CNA. I would tell anyone, go to school, trade school, or look for a different job entirely, I honestly just can't say that enough, just don't do it. 

Taking things day by day.

The last few days I've been trying to be more productive in some way or another, weather it's washing dishes, laundry, cleaning up around the house more, doing more research, learning, or writing, or blogging in general. Been trying to get more active, and not just sleeping all day, not doing anything productive with my day, because in all honesty, the last few weeks, months, I haven't been as productive as I probably could have been with my time, now lately I've been trying to be more productive with my time, with my day, even if it's just a little bit. 

I guess in a way, I'm just trying to take things day by day, but at the same time, to change, to improve in some way, to actually improve, instead of wasting my time instead. Been trying to write more, research more, blog more, been writing more on Quora, been submitting articles to magazines, watching more educational videos on YouTube, trying to get into learning, educating myself again. 

All I can do is to keep trying everyday, even if it's a little bit, that way I know, that I did something productive with my day, regardless if it's studying, writing, researching, going to the gym and working out, or cleaning house, the way I see it, I'd rather accomplish something small than nothing at all, because gradually over time, it can build into something great, over weeks, months, or even years. 

Sometimes, you just have to keep trying over and over again, everyday, till you start building momentum, and after that, to keep going, and to keep trying to improve, no matter what it is, as long as you keep trying, then sometimes, that's all that matters. For a long time, I didn't understand the phrase, "Rome wasn't built in a day", now I think I'm slowly starting to understand that phrase. I'll keep trying everyday, even if it's a little, then to not try at all. :) 

 

Some handy tips and tricks, using Social Media

We have all heard of social media sites, but it's kinda easy to forget, or not even realize that you can start using them yourself to promote your brand, your work, or any projects that your working on. Weather it's a blog site that your working on, a YouTube Channel, you just started TikTok, or anything else, one of the best things about the internet, is the fact that it's now easier now more than ever to spread the word yourself, you just have to know what your doing, how to use the platforms, and do it in such a way, were you don't come off as too spammy. 

Another thing, is using e-mail, and creating a e-mail list, that way you have a bulk of people you can contact, and promote your product, brand, or other projects to, or even posting on Facebook, Instagram, all of these platforms, are still very relevant, like I said, you just got to know how to use them all effectively. Another great thing, is that there's multiple ways, that fit everyone's style, branding, or niche. Some people are comfortable talking, some are good in front of the camera, others are better at typing blogs, but regardless, there's something that fits everyone, and most people after they find what works for them, they stick with that, not jumping around from one thing to the next. 

Same with niche's, there's basically something out there for everyone, from sports, beauty, fashion, food, cooking, electronics, or even marketing itself, and much more, there's countless of product's, niches that fit almost everyone, and just like with different types of platforms, when people find a niche that they like, that suites them or is something that they actually believe in, they will stick with it, not jumping around from product to product. Changing everything up all the time, will do nothing, but cause you more headaches, and more wasted time in the long term.

Even though, there all online, it's still work, and for other's it could be there brand, there business, in the beginning, it will probably be like unpaid internship, where your trying in anyway that you can, to get your name out there, with little to no money in return. It could be, months, to maybe even a whole year or two of unpaid work, before things finally start to pay off, that's why once you find a platform that fits your personality, and products that you like, stick with them, and keep working on them, every single day. 

 

Different Perspective on Life over time

 

Funny how slowly over time, gradually as you get older, you start to perceive life differently, then you did when you were younger. How things that seemed to mean so much when you were in high school, later on when you get older, when you look back, they seem to not matter as much or at all. Or the reverse, the things that didn't matter so much when you were younger, seem to have a greater importance when you get older. 

Or the TV show's and movies you watched, how some character's you might have hated when you were younger, but years later, you might start to empathize with them, and understand there point of view better than you did when you were younger. And the character's you might have loved, and viewed as perfect, year's later, you might realize that they are just human, and are no better than you.

I guess over time, the things in life that are priorities to people naturally change over time, I never realized it for a long time, but slowly it's starting to make more sense. At least to me it does.

Even how you view friends you had, or have in life, might change over time, some people you might consider best friends, years later might feel more like acquaintances, and the people who feel like stranger's, years later you might consider your best friends. Or even how you view your parents might change over time too. How you view yourself might change over time as well. Maybe over time, you slowly might start to understand yourself more and more as a person, a lot better than you did in high school or college for that matter. I can say, that at 30, I know myself a lot better than I did in high school. 

That's why, even now, I honestly think that it's nuts to expect people in high school to know exactly what they want to do with their life, or who they want to be with for the rest of their life. I can honestly say that at 17 years old, I had no clue of what I wanted to do with my life, let alone of what type of person I wanted to spend my life with. 

I didn't know until recently, that the human brain doesn't stop maturing, developing, it keeps learning and developing throughout your whole life. So to expect people at 16-20 year's old to have their whole lives in order when there brains are still developing realistically doesn't make any sense. Or even hiring someone at a new job, expecting them to get everything right away. When in fact, it takes most people around 6 months to get fully accustomed to the job, and a whole year to fully know and understand of how everything within the job works.

It goes for everything in life, how you perceive things constantly changes over time, you just don't realize it until you start looking back on your life once and a while. 

What they don't tell about growing up, into adulthood

 

Hope, it's a word that everyone has heard, but after a while, it start's to feel overrated, over used, and then after a while, it starts to lose it's meaning, after having so many heart breaks, so many disappointments, getting your hopes up over and over again, trying your hardest, when something seems to always fall apart. 

The sad thing, is realizing that after a while, the older you get, the less the people in your life, actually care, or want to hear about your problems, and then eventually you stop believing people when they say, "you can always talk to me", or "I'm here for you.", it's hard to believe that, whenever you do try to talk to people about how you truly feel, you can just see it on there face, they zone out, not really listening to you anymore, and then after a while, whenever anyone asks how your doing, you just silently nod your head and say that your fine, because after a while, you know deep down, that they really don't want to hear about your problems, they don't have time, they have there own life, there own problems to deal with. 

No one really prepares you for how, the older you get, the more isolated you will feel and become, so unless you find a partner, your pretty much screwed, sure, you'll have friends, people you'll meet at work, or at school, but by the time your 25-30 years old, you'll slowly realize, that no one has time to actually hang out anymore, and any time you do get to spend with anyone will be a miracle at best, nothing more, it's not like it was in high school, where you could just call up your friends whenever you wanted too, nope, your pretty much on your own in a way, or unless you have a romantic partner.

I'm saying all this, because I honestly had no idea, in my naive mind, I figured the friends that I would make in middle school and high school, that I'd be friends with them forever, but after high school, as the years slipped by, I slowly started to notice, that the amount of times, that I would get to talk to old friends from high school became less and less over the years. And with me being busy taking care of mom, and working all the time, I barely had any time for myself, let alone time to hang out with friends from high school.

I honestly don't know what point I'm trying to make with all of this, maybe I'm just talking to myself, or maybe someone who read this, will relate in some way, who knows, all I know is this, I wish someone could have prepared me better for adulthood. 

Moving Forward

 

I know that I don't post on here everyday, and in reality there's no excuse for me not to, since I literally do have all day to work at home, when I first looked into blogging, and writing in general, I started it for a bit, then I stop, then I started again, and then I stop. And just like writing, submitting articles, blogging, or any other type of content, I kept hearing people on Youtube and TikTok say, that whatever it is that your doing, to be consistent with what your doing. After all, you don't get anywhere in life, by starting a goal you have, and then up and quitting, when you don't see any results. It basically applies to everything in life. 

Another thing that all forms of content creating online had in common was this, sharing your work with people in as many ways as you can, and as much as you can, weather it's Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, e-mailing list, but the point is, to get the word out, and share your work as much as you can, and only you can do that. Of course don't flood everyone's e-mail, and spam everyone's account, but post, and share your work at least a few times a day, that way eventually, you'll start to gain traction. 

Yes, Google is there, but you have to put in a good chunk of the leg work yourself, promoting your hard work, and showing it to as many people as you can. That way you have a higher, faster way of seeing results. It's like writing a book, you spend days, week's, month's, maybe years working on it, after all that hard work, don't you want as many people to see the amazing book that you worked so hard on? We'll the same thing applies to anything that your working on.